gay men, closeted, friends

19 Year Old Best Buds Get Gay Together… What Happens Next?

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Just over a month ago, Reddit user confusedboy1100 confessed to an eye opening experience he had with a long time friend. The 19-year-old boy and his male friend of five years, also 19 years old, had recently been spending time together until one night when their friendship took a romantic turn. He sought advice from fellow Reddit users about his situation.

This was his original post on June 27:

Some background for the situation: I’ve known my friend Danny, the friend in question, since we were 14. We were part of a group of four guys and we all got along really well. Him and his best friend and me and my best friend would all hang out together all the time after school and on weekends, play video games together and go on adventures, you know, just teenager stuff. Anyway, at the end of high school we all went to different colleges across the country for different reasons. Danny and I both came back to our hometown for the summer, but my best friend and his best friend both stayed at their schools to work and take summer classes and such.

I’ve been hanging out with Danny pretty much every day since we got back. My parents repurposed my bedroom to a workout room almost as soon as I moved into the dorms so I live in my basement and usually he’ll come over and we’ll play games or watch tv or listen to music, and then he’ll crash on the couch, go home in the morning and then come back over in the afternoon, rinse and repeat.

Last night we were watching some shitty movie, or really more like just talking with the movie on in the background and there was a sex scene. I asked him if he managed to get laid at all at college, and he said no. I admitted that I hadn’t either. We started to talk about sex a little. I could feel myself getting excited but I didn’t really understand why. The conversation kept up to the point where I said something along the lines of “I would really love to know what it feels like to have somebody suck my cock.” He said “what if…” and then blushed. One thing led to another and next thing I know he’s blowing me. I felt weird and conflicted about it but it was so good. It was like my mind switched gears in the middle of it and all of a sudden I was so turned on by him. When he finished me I asked him to let me return the favor. Afterwards we kissed, and then he awkwardly said that he should leave and went home.

As soon as he left my mind went into overdrive. A lot of things clicked into place in my mind but I’m still confused about a lot of things. I don’t look at porn often but when I do it’s usually women, but I’ve never met a woman irl that I was actually attracted to. I thought it was because I have high standards, but what if it’s because I’m not into women? I can’t make sense of it. I was super horny this morning, I’ve jerked off three times already today and I tried to think about women and look at straight porn but my mind kept drifting back to Danny’s body, Danny’s dick, Danny with his mouth around me. It’s crazy because I’ve never once felt attraction to a man before, never noticed guys in a sexual way at all, but now all I can think about is him.

I’m really worried that this will fuck up our friendship. I don’t regret what we did, but what if he does? What if he’s been scoping me out this whole time, waiting for his chance to pounce? I don’t know how I would feel about that. Also if he decides he doesn’t want to be around me anymore, I’m going to be alone for the rest of the summer. None of my other friends are in town. And then what happens if we do decide to get together, become a couple. What happens when we go back to school? What do we tell our other friends? Hell, what would I tell my parents?

I texted him earlier, just a simple “Hey” and I haven’t gotten anything back yet. I’m kind of losing my mind waiting on an answer. I would really love advice regarding what to say to him when I talk to him next. I want to continue to explore my relationship with him, but I don’t want to scare him off by coming on too strong. I need to feel out his thoughts first.

Does anybody else that’s been in a situation like this have any advice to offer? What should I say to him? How can I salvage our friendship if it turns out that he doesn’t feel the same way as me? I’m looking for any general advice regarding sexuality and figuring yourself out as well.

tl;dr: Thought I was straight, ended up engaging in mutual oral sex with a friend that I also thought was straight. I want to figure out my sexuality and continue to explore this new territory with my friend, but stay friends with him if he’s not interested. How do I approach the topic so as to not scare him off? And how do I figure out if I’m bi or gay, just for my own personal peace?

EDIT: He just texted me back and asked if he could come over. I said yes. Wish me luck!

The original post received 64 comments that included advice, sympathy and personal stories. Two days later, he submitted an update:

I’m getting a lot of update requests, and Danny just headed home so I figured I’d go ahead and post. I have exciting stuff to tell you guys! First I wanted to say thanks to everybody who commented, you all really helped me calm down and stop overthinking everything. I appreciate it a lot.

When Danny showed up we were both really nervous and awkward at first. I was really scared to say anything, but I broke the tension by telling him how much I had enjoyed the night before. He broke out into a huge grin and turned bright red, lit up like a christmas tree. He told me he was so relieved, and that he had been obsessing over it all night worried for the same reasons I had been.

I told him that it was my first sexual experience ever and that I was questioning my sexuality now. He told me that he had been questioning his sexuality for a while, and that he had feelings for men before, but had mostly seen me as just a friend until last night, when he realized that I was kind of sort of coming onto him in a really roundabout way. It’s funny, I didn’t really think of myself as coming onto him but I definitely made that statement hoping something would come of it…

Anyway I told him that first and foremost I valued our friendship and wanted to stay friends whatever happened between us. He agreed strongly. He asked me if I was okay with working out our feelings together (read: having sex until we figure out how we feel) and I told him yes. After all this heavy conversation we decided to play some CS:GO together like we usually do but we ended up in bed together instead. Afterwards we talked some more and discussed the possibility of a relationship. He said he feels like we know each other well enough that he wouldn’t feel like we were rushing in, and I agreed with him. He asked me to be his boyfriend, and I said yes! I’m so happy about it, too! I’ve never felt so attracted to anyone before.

We haven’t told anyone yet, but decided not to go out of our way to keep it a secret. The area we live in is reasonably tolerant and neither of our parents are anti-gay, which I am grateful for. I am worried about telling my sister, who has recently become a born-again christian and had a lot of horrible things to say about the supreme court ruling on FB. I’m also a little concerned about telling our other two friends, but I think after the initial shock wears off, they’ll come around.

Now, I’m not super duper concerned with slapping a label on my sexuality and calling it a day (thanks to you guys, I appreciate all the advice in that regard!) but the more I think about it, the more I think that I really am gay, or at least gay-leaning bisexual. It kind of feels like the best time to be realizing it with the gay marriage ruling happening. Every time I think about it I feel giddy.

tl;dr: Talked it out, sexed it out, we’re a couple now! Thanks for helping me stay sane, reddit!

The update received over 250 comments; most of which being congratulatory. In one of the comments, confusedboy1100 expands on his fears and interactions with his sister. He said that he’s contemplating not telling her especially since she “unfriended me on [Facebook] for telling her she was being unreasonable about the Supreme Court Decision.”

Confusedboy1100 is not alone in this. Although 2015 has been a progressive year for all in the LGBTQ community, it is still a difficult decision to come out of closet and be ones true self. Data scientist and journalist Seth Stephens-Davidowitz concluded in 2014 that in states where homosexuality is the least tolerated, there are between 50-80 percent of men who are still in the closet. It is a very sensitive subject that’s been explored through films, television, and music.

From Seth Stephens-Davidowitz's presentation to the CDC
From Seth Stephens-Davidowitz’s presentation to the CDC

The Reddit user hasn’t posted anything since his update but he seemed to be happy with the result of the hookup and the feelings he had afterwards.

To send good vibes to confusedboy1100 and encourage him to tell his sister, watch Sara Bareilles’ video for ‘Brave’ (a song written to inspire her own friend to come out of the closet).

 

(featured image via David Shankbone)