The Golden Globes are this Sunday, and the awards given out by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association honor excellence in entertainment from around the world—at least in theory. In practice, the reputation of the award is a bit suspect after Pia Zadora won “New Star of the Year” in 1982 for her role in the utterly forgettable—and forgotten—incest-western Butterfly, in which she starred with Orson Welles and Ed McMahon.
Though she’s continually claimed otherwise, the accepted narrative is that her then-husband, Israeli billionaire Meshulam Riklis, bought the award for her. (Providing credence to this theory: Zadora’s most famous film role continues to be her appearance as a martian child in Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, and the year she won her Globe, she also won two Golden Raspberries for the same role.)
Though it was over 30 years ago, Pia Zadora’s legacy still looms large over the Globes—and it got us thinking: If we were Israeli billionaires, who would we buy Golden Globes for?
1. The Susan Lucci Award
Susan Lucci is a soap star who was nominated for an Emmy 19 times before she won one. We wondered who the Susan Lucci of the Globes was, and came up with a few suggestions: Kevin Spacey, who’s been nominated for five globes and not won any, and Susan Sarandon, who’s received seven nominations and zero globes.
But we decided to go with Ryan Gosling (also five-and-zero) for a couple reasons.
Susan Sarandon would be our choice, except she’ll probably win next year for her upcoming role as Bette Davis in Feud, Ryan Murphy‘s latest series for FX, about the legendary feud between Davis and Joan Crawford. Spacey and Gosling are tied, but Gosling’s actually nominated for his role in La La Land, so why not?
Besides, like Sarandon, Spacey’s set to be in the much-buzzed-about remake of Billionaire Boys Club, which means 2017 might be his year, too.
2. The “So Bad It’s Good” Award
Ever notice how sometimes the worst things are the best? It’s been the same throughout history—from the Cherry Sisters to IceJJFish, some of our favorite entertainers push the boundaries of what is actually entertaining.
This year’s Florence Foster Jenkins is a film about the titular singer—an accomplished pianist who, sadly, fancied herself an opera singer.
Truthfully, while the film’s subject’s talent might be questionable, the film itself is good. (How can you go wrong with Meryl Streep?!)
But we think Ms. Jenkins herself should get a long-overdue award for teaching us philistines that, yes, opera can be worse.
3. The Reb Brown Award
There’s an old joke we like: “What do you call someone who’s in terrible movie after terrible movie? A working actor.”
We love to think that filmmaking is always glamorous, but there’s an awful lot of stuff out there that’s shot on a shoestring budget with a barely coherent script. Sadly, actors often get short shrift—even if they make an outstanding performance, it’s hard to see quality when the material is so bad. So we thought we’d honor these unsung heroes with the Reb Brown award, named after the actor who played Big McLargehuge in the Mystery Science Theater 3000 classic Space Mutiny.
For this award, we’re going with Anna Faris. Currently starring in the mediocre CBS sitcom Mom, she’s appeared in a huge string of clunkers. The Alvin and the Chipmunks movies, The House Bunny, Movie 43—probably the best movies she’s been in recently have been Keanu and 22 Jump Street, and both of those were uncredited cameos. And yet she always brings her A-game, no matter how dire the script.
Faris has won a grand total of one award: 2012’s CinemaCon Award for Comedy Star of the Year. She’s been nominated a number of times, but mostly for genre-only awards, like the Fangoria Chainsaw Award.
If you want to see Anna Faris in a good film that shows why she deserves better, check out May, a clever horror flick where she plays Polly, a lesbian with a crush on May, her co-worker, a vet-in-training and dollmaker.
4. The “Yes, We Agree” Award
As much crap as the Golden Globes get—and, we’re not gonna lie, this whole piece is mostly about giving crap to the Globes—sometimes they get it right.
Last year, Rachel Bloom won a Globe for her work in the outstanding series Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. She’s up for an award this year, too (and she better win it, seriously), but since she’s already got one, we thought we’d give this award to the outstanding queer film Moonlight.
Moonlight is up for Best Drama Film, and if it doesn’t get it, we’ll riot.
After all, it was one of our best films of the year, so why not use our imaginary billionaire money to make it a sure thing?
5. The Pia Zadora Award
In honor of the most famous Golden Globe recipient, we present the Pia Zadora Award, given to the actor most likely to have an award bought for them.
For this one, we’ve chosen Connor Kalopsis from the FOX TV show The Grinder.
Much like Ms. Zadora, Kalopsis wasn’t much to write home about, acting-wise—in fact, he embodied everything unbearable about the smug, precocious kid archetype, and any scenes with him were utterly unwatchable. And like Butterfly, no one watched The Grinder. The perennially low-rated show was cancelled this summer after limping to its season finale.
Is Kalopsis responsible for the failure of The Grinder? No, but he certainly didn’t help things.
The Golden Globes airs Sunday, Jan. 8 on NBC
Additional research by Charles Thompson-Wang.
(Featured image via JenLawFilms/Flickr)