AHS, Hotel, American Horror Story, season five

7 Terrifying Takeaways From Episode Two Of “AHS: Hotel”

The weekly mind-fuck known as American Horror Story: Hotel isn’t all campy horror and demon-rape; it’s got some valuable life-lessons for viewers as well! So we’ve rounded up seven of them for you to share with your loved ones before they end up alone, infected with measles and on the chopping block of some millionaire serial killer.

AHS, Hotel, American Horror Story, season five

Anti-vaxxers are SCARRRRY

The episode starts off with home healthcare nurse Drew Droege Chloe Sevigny arguing with some dumb anti-vaxxer whose kid has measles. The mom didn’t inoculate her kid because vaccines cause autism; and Chloe gives her an audience-satisfying smackdown. Y’know what’s even scarier? That the widely disproven vaccine-autism link is still believed by the Republican front-runner for U.S. President, human butt-plug Donald Trump. If he gets elected, kiss our herd-immunity goodbye.

AHS, Hotel, American Horror Story, season five

“Netflix and chill” is the death of romance

Lady Gaga wants to go to an art sale to find some walking bloodsacks to feed on, and her vampy man-friend Donovan is all like, “Damn baby, we just ate Irish and Asian food last episode! Let’s stay and watch House of Cards instead.” She basically decides it’s over at that point because “Netflix and chill” is basic as fugg.

AHS, Hotel, American Horror Story, season five

Detective Whatshisname is the WORST FATHER EVAR.

First, John Lowe (that’s his name) loses his youngest son at an amusement park while checking his text messages (total rookie-DILF mistake). Then, he let his only remaining child see the disemboweled Winklevoss twins in a police murder scene. Then, he loses her in Lady Dracula’s hotel for five-full-hours. Gawd. His fathering skills are second only to Game of Throne’s Lord Stannis Baratheon.

AHS, Hotel, American Horror Story, season five, Lady Gaga

Lady Gaga has horrible taste in boyfriends.

The Countess chooses Tristan the coked-up-Rooster-Boy over Donovan the ex-junkie-turned-cosmo-man-candy? Really?! And why? Because of Netflix and chill. Maybe it’s time to find “the boyfriend within”, Countess Gaga.

AHS, Hotel, American Horror Story, season five
This scene was horrifying, so we’ve covered up the butchered corpse with an adorable sock puppet instead — awww! You can still almost see Evan Peters’ pubes tho.

Hotel makes us simultaneously horrified and horny.

Evan Peters — playing a super-psychopathic James Gatsby — goes shirtless in a mask while rape-slicing some poor lady to pieces. We’re totally against sexual assault and murder by the way; but then he lays his lean, blood-covered torso next to her, his pants undone in a near pube-shot.

Using this type of sexuality with violent images is pretty upsetting. What is this? American Psycho? Jesus Christ, Ryan Murphy, what is wrong with you?!? Jesus Christ, us what is wrong with us?!!

If you’ll excuse us, we’re gonna go throw-up, take a looooong cold shower and scrub off our top layer of skin.

AHS, Hotel, American Horror Story, season five

The maid, Ms. Evers is the most lovable character yet.

AHS, Hotel, American Horror Story, season five
But our first love is Hypodemic Sally. She can sew us up into a mattress anytime!

Psycho-Gatsby’s gal Friday is the pereptually nearby and eternally loyal maid Ms. Evars. She’s a chipper lady, always ready to help, whether that means kidnapping and hog-tying a hooker for him to shoot in the head or warning him about the cops. And in her last living moment, all she wants is to please her master, giving him the honor of also shooting her in the head (awww!) and voicing her wish that she could stick around to scrub all his bloody sheets with her secret ingredient… LOVE!

Ain’t that sweeter than a basket of bunnies and bon-bons? She’s like the most sincere and vulnerable character in the entire series.

For the record though, Ms. Evers should know that our love first belonged to America’s Sweetheart Hypodermic Sally. How can you see that glorious mess of a smack-queen and not have your heart dissolve into ash? You cain’t… YOU CAIN’T!

AHS, Hotel, American Horror Story, season five

Grindr… IT’S A DEADLY KILLER!!

Art imitates life as a Grindr-esque hook-up app is used to murder some bottom lumbersexual. That’s why we usually chat our potential hook-ups for weeks before we meet at the local Panera — that way we can get their full names, Google/Facebook-stalk them and then tell our girlfriends to call the police if we don’t text them back some sex-tales in an hour. Remember: safety first, bottoming second, y’all.

We also have no idea how Rooster Boy was able to use a hook-up app in the Hotel Cortez seeing as the entire hotel is supposed to be a dead-zone, but whatever. He’ll probably want to Netflix and chill in the next episode.

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