Butt Wipes Are Destroying Earth: Here’s 5 Ways To Save Our Asses

For the love of God, stop using wet wipes. Yes, they feel nice and do a better job of removing poo-funk from your b-hole, but you’re not a baby nor are you a 18th century aristocrat in need of an immaculate anus. Plus, they’re destroying the environment and municipal water systems, so please, for humanity’s sake, stop using them.

Butt-wipes are costing American, Canadian, and English cities millions in plumbing problems because, contrary to popular practice, you’re not actually supposed to flush most brands down the toilet — in fact some even say not to, albeit in teeny-tiny hard-to-read type hidden somewhere on the packaging. Toilet paper, in contrast, dissolves pretty quickly.

One study found that Cottonelle Fresh Care and Scott Naturals flushable wipes dissolve in water while brands like Charmin Freshmates and Wal-Mart’s Equate Flushable Wipes linger in sewers like “shit-stained ghosts” clogging up pipes and forcing saintly sewage workers to exorcise them from our pipes, lest they back-up and bedevil our homes.

The 23 percent increase in wet-wipe use over the last seven years is a probably a testament to clever marketing and to the fact that wet naps feel heavenly when rubbed against your cho-cho. But in addition to clogging up sewers, non-biodegradable plastic wet-wipe packaging also stays in our landfillsfor decades, making our addiction to clean wet bottoms a real pain in the ass.

Now’s the time to consider alternatives:

Use regular toilet paper

Y’know, like a regular human adult? If it’s not froo-froo enough for you, you can always buy the rose-scented, extra-soft, quilted kind that has clouds and lambs and flowers and shit stitched on it. It’s like wiping your butt with grandma’s heirloom quilt.

Throw away your butt wipes

Gross as it sounds, you’re actually supposed to dispose of your butt wipes in the toilet wastebasket. Before you start gagging, consider the bloody tampons, crusty band-aids, snotty tissues, and earwax-covered Q-tips already clogging your trashcan — what’s one more log on the bonfire? Plus, you’re only supposed to use wipes once you’ve wiped the bigger butt-stuff away. You can always fold the wipes once over to hide the smears and smells from others. You’ll just have to empty the trashcan more regularly to avoid being judged by your shitty guests.

Wipe with your bare hand

Hear us out… many Asian countries with squat toilets have people run cups of warm water down their backsides while using their left hand to fiddle all the biddles off their diddles. After you gently towel off and VIGOROUSLY wash your hands (and fingernails), you’re absolutely clean, dry, and ready to mingle. Just avoid shaking hands and eating with your poo-hand.

Buy a bidet

The French secret to avoiding les chocolats is to use a sit-down sink that delivers a warm, cleansing flume right into your stinker. You can adjust the pressure from “elementary school drinking fountain” to “Yosemite geyser.” Plus, they cut down on paper waste and make wiping less painful for people with hemorrhoids. Even better, some models come with heated seats, night lights, deodorizers, and speakers for playing soothing music while sweet water nymphs rim you rotten.

Invest in a Japanese toilet

Modern Japanese toilets are where East meets South, and lower bodily functions meet high-tech thinking. In addition to bidet-style functionality, J-toilets can come with arm-rests, vibrating massage seats, soapy rinse jets, sensors for measuring your urine’s sugar and PH levels, and even robotic features to welcome you and help you stand back up afterwards.

  • Bidets and Japanese Toilets work but they’re expensive. A far more practical approach is the Hand Bidet Sprayer. It requires no new plumbing and actually does a better job cleaning you.