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The hottest sex is sex that makes us anxious and pushes our boundaries. Otherwise sex is safe and consistent, which can equate to limited and boring, lacking the fireworks that anxiety can gift us.
As a sex therapist, my work is about showing people how to use sex to grow and transform, and to connect deeper with themselves and others. Pushing yourself into sex that makes you anxious is not only a sign of growth, but also of movement towards hotter orgasms.
We obsessively focus on touch and the body, ignoring the high arousal of the verbal. Even those not fully into “dirty talk” enjoy verbal reinforcement. Few like silent sex. And dirty talk isn’t just for the bedroom; sex can exist everywhere with sexting — and sexting is one of the best forms of eroticization and arousal.
Part of sex (and dating) is assessing compatibility and learning about how open our sex partners are to what arouses us, and whether we are an erotic match. Everything you want sexually is not always possible, and all relationships come with limits.
We cannot make people into sexual beings they are not, but how we respond to a partner making a sexual request does show how good of a partner we are and how much we care about them. It’s never just sex. It’s also a deep communication of care, especially if you’re monogamous, because you are their only sex partner.
So asking your partner to talk dirty to you is far bigger than just wanting some filth talk to “get off to.” It’s also a request to be a good partner and to learn how important you and sex are to them. When a partner — one you feel safe and comfortable with — asks for sex that is outside your comfort zone, always do it!
Mind-reading leads to the worst sex, so if you want your partner to talk dirty to you, you have to ask for it. We all have sex in the ways most comfortable (and arousing) to us, so any desired changes require a request. If you’re asking for something uncommon from this person, be prepared to show them as well.
Next time you are sexual, start creating the talk you desire. But only expect a good outcome if your partner is sexually confident, and more on the top or dom side of the sexual continuum. Not everyone has the temperament, interest or sexual ability to give you the filth talk of your orgasmic dreams.
Dr. Chris Donaghue is a lecturer, therapist and host of the LoveLine podcast, a weekly expert on The Amber Rose Show, and a frequent co-host on TV series The Doctors. He previously hosted WE tv’s Sex Box and Logo’s Bad Sex. He authored the book Sex Outside the Lines: Authentic Sexuality in a Sexually Dysfunctional Culture and has been published in various professional journals and top magazines, from The New York Times and Newsweek to Cosmo and National Geographic. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram.
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