Forget this season of RuPaul’s Snooze Race. The real competition of glam, camp, and fishiness is EUROVISION 2015, and it’s coming to give us the life we’re all sorely lacking. Plus, it deserves to be typed in all-caps because that’s how I say it in my head.
EUROVISION, in case you’re uncultured American scum, is the annual singing competition where performers from different European nations — oh, and from Australia since y’know, it’s kinda European — sing for their lives to karaoke-sounding pop tracks. The winners get some sort of trophy that no one really cares about because the REAL PRIZE is bringing the contest to your home nation if you win. You also become insta-famous around Europe and the rest of the world. Ever heard of Conchita Wurst, Celine Dion, or ABBA? Exactly. All Eurovision winners. Now you know.
I have such a strong personal connection to Eurovision because I love when countries represent themselves in such gaudy ways (the music videos for each song are sooooo over-the-top and “epic” that my eyes nearly roll right outta my damn skull into the parking lot). I also love a good beat to bop this boochie to — you know what I’m talking about, girl!
So I watched all of this year’s videos — which meant sifting through a lot of slow fucking songs — and after Loreen’s victory in 2012 with “Euphoria” (above), I’m thinking the world needs more electro-anthems!
So, with that said, I decided that Belarus’ entry by Uzari & Maimuna performing “Time” is my choice to win. I love when songs use orchestral instruments and Maimuna can really play that violin! I also love the flow of the song, the way that beautiful man drags the word “time” out, making it “tiii-iaaaame!” It’s honestly beautiful.
My close second favorite is Sweden’s entry by Mans Zelmerlow signing about “Heroes” (below). It starts off very Pitchfork indie-guitar spoken-word but becomes a banger.Listening to it, you realize we are all heroes in this world in one way or another, and you can almost imagine everyone at Eurovision singing and dancing right along.
Songs like these are what Eurovision are all about. They’re high energy, connect with the people, and lift up folks in every country whether it be Latvia or France, and that’s the absolute most important thing about Eurovision and music itself! So if you’re a betting man (or woman), I’d suggest you put your money on Sweden or Belarus. Also, betting on an international music competition makes you just as bad as the uncultured American scum who don’t even know what Eurovision is. God you’re awful.