I can already tell that is going to be the best headline of the day. I may as well just close this laptop and call it a day. Where do you even go from here?
After five thousand years of burial, a Czech Republic caveman has been outed. Scandal! Ancient funeral rites in the area dictate very specific burial direction between genders. The gayvman (See what we did there?) is buried in a manner that suggests his sexual orientation, or perhaps even gender identity fell somewhere in the LGBT spectrum.
During that period, men were traditionally buried lying on their right side with the head pointing towards the west; women on their left side with the head facing east.
In this case, the man was on his left side with his head facing west. Another clue is that men tended to be interred with weapons, hammers and flint knives as well as several portions of food and drink to accompany them to the other side.
Women would be buried with necklaces made from teeth, pets, and copper earrings, as well as domestic jugs and an egg-shaped pot placed near the feet.
The ‘gay caveman’ was buried with household jugs, and no weapons.
Archaeologists do not think it was a mistake or coincidence given the importance attached to funerals during the period, known as the Corded Ware era because of the pottery it produced.
From history and ethnology, we know that people from this period took funeral rites very seriously so it is highly unlikely that this positioning was a mistake,’ said lead researcher Kamila Remisova Vesinova.
‘Far more likely is that he was a man with a different sexual orientation, homosexual or transvestite. What we see here does not add up to traditional Corded Ware cultural norms.’
An oval, egg-shaped container usually associated with female burials was also found at the feet of the skeleton.
Well how about that? Other LGBT prehistoric skeletons have been found in previous years. A female skeleton buried with warrior gear suggested she was a lesbian.
Now I’m feeling all guilty for phoning most of my archaeology class in during my first semester of college. This is fascinating! I wonder what the gay clubs were like in 2900 BC…