Heres 5 Cups of Steaming Hot Tea for Tonight’s ‘All Stars 2’ Finale

NOTE (THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS ZERO SPOILERS): Since RuPaul’s All-Stars Drag Race season two was recorded a while ago, you can probably find read about the eliminations somewhere online — BUT NOT HERE, NOT EVER. As true fans of the show, all of our articles will be 100 percent spoiler free, as in our opinions will not be based on UN-AIRED episodes, we promise. 

So, the finale of RuPaul’s All-Stars Drag Race 2 premieres tonight (duh) and we simply need to spill some steaming tea before they dissect the final four contestants. So here it is — warning: the first few rows will get SCALDED, hunnies!

1) Roxxxy Andrews should be embarrassed to be onstage

Andrews is basically the new Rebecca Glasscock. Remember her? She’s the fail-queen who failed her way right up to the season one finale. She was mediocre at best and beat out queens who were far more talented. It was a shame and so is Roxxxy and so are her weak-ass performances throughout this season. She shoulda been eliminated in episode two when Tatianna first got the boot, but guess what: Rolaskatox has saved Roxxxy’s underwhelming ass four out of five times when she was on the bottom.

Hear this: Roxxxy has talent. She proved it in season five. But in All-Stars 2 episode five, she all but asked to be sent home. They shoulda granted her wish her instead of subjecting America to another week of her weaksauce — haven’t this country’s queers suffered enough? She literally broke the series’ record for most bottom place finishes — queen of the bottoms. Her only salvation? Having sympathetic friends.

Tatianna should be on that stage, Roxxxy, not you. You’re outta your league, girl. Be sure to get your homegirls some nice Christmas gifts though.

2) The group’s agreed-upon “elimination rules” were always bullshit

Remember how in the first few episodes Phi Phi O’Hara and company were all, “Okay, let’s all agree to base our eliminations on the judges’ critiques and who has been in the bottom the most?” Yeah, how long did that shit hold up? And why did anyone agree to that crap in the first place?

I wish a queen woulda been like, “Uh, NO. If I get to decide, I’ll eliminate whoever the hell I want. It’s my right and my legacy. Go eat a butt.” Because you know what? THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED ANYWAY. Between Alaska saving Roxxxy’s fail-ass because “she loaned me this shirt” and Detox blubbering and nearly swallowing her tongue while incoherently explaining her elimination of Alyssa Edwards, the judges’ critiques didn’t mean shit; and that’s fine, but why the pretense, hunnies? Just be real.

Although, on second thought, maybe their bullshit agreement was just a sneaky way for the more talented queens to clear out the underbrush for later rounds — ¡escandolo!

3) Rolaskatox is still totally a thing

Season five’s terrible trio of Roxxxy Andrews, Alaska Thunderfuck and Detox Icunt came into All-Stars 2 being like, “Oh no! Rolaskatox is not a thing anymore. We’re not a trio. We’re all just here on our own”

LIES!!!!! Those queens are tighter than Violet Chachki’s corsets. Need proof? Ha. Gurl, are you blind or just dumb? Roxxxy is still here. Helloooo?

4) Alaska’s episode seven meltdown was beneath her

Remember how in season seven Ginger Minj was all cute and plucky until episode 11 when she started acting all cunty and mean like a poor man’s version of Darienne Lake? We were rooting for Minj up until that point, but afterwards, not as much.

A variation of the same thing happened to Alaska in the seventh episode of All Stars 2 when she acted like a entitled child for ending up on the bottom three. She then basically bribed Katya $10,000 not to eliminate her. Detox was right, it wasn’t attractive.

It also lost Alaska some fans. Yeah, we expect perfection from our queens (or close to it). And while we can empathize with acting desperately and tearing ourselves apart after failing to meet a tough challenge — Alaska was “both pissed and terrified” that she could be eliminated in the home stretch. Miss Minj didn’t win after she started acting like a brat and Alaska might not either.

That being said, we still love Alaska though. She’s an immensely talented and hardworking queen. She’s just a bit less shiny than before.

5) Katya’s clearly the fan-favorite

Russian babushka Katya Zamolodchikova has a real shot at winning this thing even though she got regularly upstaged by Alaska and Detox’s antics even when turning out a good performance (just like her work in the last episode with RuPaul’s song “Step It Up”).

But what Katya lacks in lip-synching, she makes up for in originality. Her animated antics stay hilariously over-the-top (like a Russian Jujubee) and she milks her Soviet-era schtick to the hilt. If she gets crowned as America’s next drag all-star, one could see her actually having an influential role in thawing U.S.-Russian relations, especially when it comes to Russia’s anti-gay propaganda law. Imagine her working with Russian LGBTQ groups to bring stories about prominent LGBTQ Russians to American Drag Race fans — it could be grand.

That’s not to overstate her potential as a drag ambassador, we’re just entertaining the possibilities. Either way, both she and Alaska already have devoted fan-followings and well-established presences via YouTube. So, seeing as Roxxxy and Detox aren’t really in the running, no matter who wins, we’ll get a readymade star.

Katya also differs from Alaska in another key way: she’s a true comedy queen. One could argue that lots of comedy queens have won before, but they’ve all been different from Katya’s brand: Bianca Del Rio was an acidic insult comic, Jinkx Monsoon more of a burlesque performer, and while Bob the Drag Queen is definitely funny, he used jokes instead of a character.

In short, Katya would be the first character queen. That might not be enough to justify her winning, but her overall talent definitely is.