Easter is around the corner and that means only one thing —
the resurrection of our Lord and savior Jesus Christ soon, the bird and bunny-shaped, pastel-colored treats known as Peeps will be infesting your local supermarket and drug store shelves.
Yeah, Peeps may be cute, but they’re just overpriced marshmallows. They’re fugly, flavorless, and Caramel Cadbury Eggs make far superior Easter candy — so let’s enjoy watching scores of Peeps dying horrible, fiery deaths by hot balls of metal, charcoal grills, and flaming buckets of firewood.
Jesus would approve because Peeps aren’t natural; they’re an abomination like shellfish, lying with a menstruous woman and clothes made out of two fabrics. Go look in the Bible. It’s all there in Ezikiel or Exodus or something.