joel osteen dick

Megachurch Pastor Joel Osteen Gives Up God for Your Dick, Thanks to Twitter Bot

It’s common knowledge the loudest homophobes are the deepest in the closet. We’ve even had studies to back that up. And for some reason, we thought of the Texan megachurch pastor Joel Osteen.

Osteen leads the Lakewood Church, which was held at the Compaq Center in Houston, until Lakewood bought the building in 2010. They could afford it — in 2001, Forbes called them the largest non-denominational church in America.

Much of Osteen’s schtick is to be inspirational and welcoming. However, when pressed on certain beliefs, he can say some awkward things:

Osteen generally couches his homophobia in “hate the sin, not the sinner” rhetoric. Which as we all know isn’t exactly comforting, but at least he’s not calling for our deaths. But then, when he’s not paying attention to his word choice, he’ll drop little bombs like saying queer people aren’t “God’s best“.

But now, a Twitter bot is trying to help him into the light. The account, @JoelDongsteen retweets everything Osteen tweets with a simple change. Whenever Osteen tweets “God,” Dongsteen changes it to “your dick.”

Yes, it’s juvenile. No, it’s probably not really helping anything. But we’ll be damned if it’s not funny. (Hell, according to Osteen, we’re damned anyway!)

Admittedly, it’s not too far off from Eric Cartman’s realization in South Park that you can change pop songs into Christian pop by swapping out the word “Baby” for “Jesus”:

While the creator remains anonymous, the Twitter bot got its inspiration from a tweet by Los Angeles comedian and writer Joe Mande:

https://twitter.com/JoeMande/status/283921392414646272

The bot’s been going since January 2013, and it’s resulted in some true gems. Some of the tweets end up a little bit weird — amusing because of the word salad than anything else:

But others are just perfect:

Some are inspirational:

Some are surprisingly apt:

And some end up being kind of creepy:

But we’re pretty sure we can all identify with this one:

So, so true.

  • wade

    LOL!! People like you are why America voted for Trump!!