John Boehner’s Top 4 Anti-Gay Moments

Speaker of the House John Boehner announced on September 25 that he will resign from Congress on October 30. We’ll always remember his almost five year reign as a veil of orange tears. But it’s not just his unnatural orange glow and constant crying that we’ll only remember him for — he was also anti-gay.

So, to properly tell John Boehner from our deepest heart, “Don’t let the door hitcha where the Good Lort splitcha”, we’ve compiled our “favorite” anti-gay moments of his:

1. That Time Boehner Found A Room For A Hate Group

In 2013, the anti-gay World Congress of Families was set to have a meeting in the Senate building. To be fair to Boehner, he didn’t set up this meeting; Senator Mark Kirk had arranged for them to have their meeting in the Senate, but after outcry from LGBT groups, Kirk rescinded his offer. Not to worry, hate mongers! Representative Boehner saved the day by allowing them to meet in the House building! Their meeting went ahead as scheduled, and they got to discuss “wholesome” topics such as what legislators can learn from Russia’s laws against “promoting non-traditional sexual relationships to minors.” Lovely!

2. Boehner Blocked Gay Veterans From Getting Benefits

Prior to gay marriage being the law of the land, the so-called Defense Of Marriage Act (DOMA) kept benefits from going to the partners of LGBT veterans. In 2013, Chief Warrant Officer Charlie Morgan died of cancer, but spent her last days fighting for the military to pay out her death benefits to her wife and child. The marriage was legal in her state, but the Federal Government wouldn’t recognize it. She went to visit Representative Boehner to plead her case… but was turned away by a staffer who said Boehner would continue to support the law. Thankfully, eight months after Morgan’s passing, her widow was finally able to get her Military Spouse ID, meaning she was able to get benefits. Unfortunately, though, Morgan spent her dying moments worrying about whether or not her wife and child would be taken care of, thanks to the Oompa Loompa previously known as Speaker of the House.

3. The Secret Waste Of Taxpayer Dollars To Defend DOMA

In September of 2012, House Republicans lead by Boehner voted to raise the funding of the law firm that the GOP hired to defend DOMA. The original spending cap was $1.5 million in taxpayer funds; Boehner and his pals raised it to $2 million. The thing is? They didn’t actually tell anyone. Three weeks later, Minority Leader Representative Nancy Pelosi announced that the GOP had almost hit their cap… of $1.5 million. The truth wasn’t revealed until December of that year. And did he learn? No! In January of 2013, he secretly raised it again to $3 million. Was it worth it? Well, considering that DOMA was overturned a few months later… no.

4. Boehner Refuses To Support Hypothetically Gay Son

In an interview with ABC This Week, John Boehner said he couldn’t even support marriage equality, even if his son were gay. We’ve long known that “family values” never applied to gay members of those families for most politicians, but it’s still disheartening. Since this interview, though, Boehner’s softened (slightly) on gay marriage; having learned from his DOMA defeat, Boehner said he wouldn’t fight the Supreme Court’s decision this year. No word on whether he’d still not support his hypothetically gay son’s wedding.

While we’ll miss him because Boehner was always good for a laugh (at his expense), but it’s moments like these that put an exclamation point on our joy that he’s finally leaving. And here’s hoping the next Speaker isn’t even worse (even though he probably will be).