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Naked Truth: The Simple Secret To Avoiding Bad Threesomes

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I had always fantasized about having an all queer-lady threesome so once my girlfriend and I decided to have one; I couldn’t stop talking about it. In preparation for our sapphic sex adventure, we waxed extensively about our hopes and fears for weeks: What’s off-limits? What are our priorities? Who wants to be the dominating director? The damsel-in-faux, consensual-distress? We fantasized about our Ultimate Fantasy during long car rides, jotting notes into our tiny Moleskines (“Buy non-latex gloves.”) like good, sexually liberated hipsters do.

We swiped through our contact lists, trolled OKCupid and dropped not-so-subtle hints to particularly adventurous-seeming co-workers in our quest for the perfect third. We found her, took her out for dinner and exchanged sexual boundaries over french fries and burgers (totes casual-like) until what seemed like a good, solid fucking foundation was laid.

On The Night, we cleaned house, bought her her favorite post-sex snacks and loaded up on bottled water and organic, hypo-allergenic lube. We bought new sheets. We sent the dog to a sitter, for fucks sake.

And this modern, queer, all-lady-lovin’, openly-communicated threesome sucked just as much as the rest of them did. Pauses dragged, awkwardness abounded, even putting the Beyoncé album on blast didn’t ease the ouch of this group-sex suckfest.

As a bisexual sex writer, I’ve had my fair share of threesomes… y’know for research. And though threesomes are touted as the “ultimate fantasy”, each one — whether MMF, MFF or (most heart-breakingly) FFF — has gotten me befuddled as to why this fancy, French-inspired tumble-a-trois has left me feeling more meh than ménage. People talk about being that “awkward third wheel” all the time. So, why do we think this equation will get less awkward if we subtract clothes and add sex?

It really doesn’t.

Three female-bodies taking a roll in the gay threeway hay offers particular challenges. The way our many lovely orifices line up with the how and where of our penetrative and oral tools can be tricky to simultaneously align. Think about it: what kind of positions are available to your threesome’s collection of dirty bits? Is everyone always involved? Or is it usually two people doing “stuff” while ol’ faithful awkward third wheel is just there, trying to kiss something — anything! — just to feel included. (“Does anyone need some water? A snack? Okay, cool …”).

I have never been more dehydrated in my entire life.

The truth is, talking about threesomes is more fun than having them. Exchanging threesome-based fantasies with your partner, especially during particularly — ahem — climactic moments, can be super hot. Dishing about your limits, jealousy triggers and after-care plan is an emotionally bonding experience. Sexting your soon-to-be third from the comfortable seat in your primary relationship makes you feel sexy, adventurous and, simultaneously, safe and loved. Dropping hints to your coworkers and friends (especially the vanilla, married ones) about your exhausting weekend with a “special friend” (wink wink) makes you feel real cool, doesn’t it?

But I’ve been hard-pressed to find anyone who has actually had a threesome who can honestly say that this “ultimate fantasy” is the best sex they’ve ever had. Bad sex is not made good just because three of you were in attendance; stellar sex does not a threesome make. So how do we close this gap between the great experience that is talking about the threesome and the sub-par experience that is having it?

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(image via SaltGeorge)

Have a foursome, no duh. The equation is deceptively simple: if we have too many body parts to please and not enough appendages to please them with without creating a Sahara-like mouth situation, then we should add some more appendages. If we have an awkward, third-wheel issue where there aren’t enough Tab B’s (or C’s) for everyone’s Tab A’s, then it’s time to get some more Tabs. If you’re buddying up with another couple, they’ll have a better understanding of what it’s like to navigate boundaries, jealousy and post-group-sex-couple time than your unattached, single third-wheel might. Plus, if all else fails, partnering up in twos is a simple (yet still plenty risqué) option.

We’ve known this since pre-school: The Buddy System is clutch. We’ve been applying it to grade school field trips and group dinner dates forever, so why not apply it to our sex lives? Even numbers will always ensure that everyone has the opportunity to be actively engaged and accounted for; that no one will get lost or scared or not make it on the bus back home. Plus, if someone needs to call out sick, you can still have that threesome because let’s admit it — scheduling group sex is a bitch.

(Featured image via juicyrai)


Yana Tallon-Hicks is Unicorn Booty’s sex and relationship advice columnist. Yana currently studies Marriage and Family Therapy at Antioch University in the hopes of becoming the best damn queer sex therapist in the land. She received her undergrad in sexuality studies and sex education and has worked as a sex educator at sex toy shops Good Vibrations and She Bop. Her columns on sex and sexual culture have appeared in the Valley Advocate, Curve, Bitch, Autostraddle.com, and The Toast. Find her at Facebook and on Instagram @the_vspot.