Visiting Rio? Don’t forget to download our gay guide to the Rio Olympics!
Everyone knows that the best opening ceremony drinking game occurred during the 2012 London Games because the rules were super simple: every time a country that Britain used to rule entered the stadium, you took a drink. That was like 60-plus countries and by the end of the ceremony you were proper shit-faced.
This time around, because Brazil doesn’t have the same globally rapacious history as “Great” Britain, alcoholics and binge drinkers have been left to make up some other drinking game, lest they have to sit through the hours-long opening ceremony COMPLETE SOBER.
Luckily, everyone is anticipating the Rio 2016 Olympic Summer Games to be the most fucked up in modern history because of Rio’s widespread pollution, anti-LGBT violence, social inequality, Zika mosquitoes and the fact that the guy directing the opening ceremonies is best known for his film about the region’s violent street gangs.
So seeing as Brazil has lots of opportunities to embarrass itself on the world stage, we’ve based our entire drinking game around the theme of public embarrassment. The rules are generally that whenever something shameful or embarrassing happens, take a drink! The more embarrassing, the more you drink. It’s so simple, even drunks can remember!
If you’re in the U.S., the ceremony will air on NBC at 7:30 p.m. ET. Here’s when you should possibilities.
MINOR OFFENSES: ONE sip whenever…
a commentator mentions Zika
the horrible Olympic mascots show up
you view some wearing something of highly questionable taste
someone admits they’ve never heard of a country (you’re supposed to feign cultural awareness, you dolt)
TECHNICAL ERRORS: TWO sips whenever…
any technical error occurs, in the broadcast or the ceremony itself
a person takes a selfie (especially if it inconveniences someone else marching in the procession)
a child (or anyone) sings horribly
any part of the ceremony makes a viewer ask “What the fuck?”
CARDINAL SINS: THREE sips whenever…
anyone trips or falls, even deliberately
a commentator butchers someone’s name or home country
a commentator mentions Russian doping scandals
anyone mentions the region’s pollution or crime
UNFORGIVABLE TRANSGRESSIONS: CHUG whenever…
a broadcaster is caught obviously not knowing what the hell they are doing
the Olympic flame goes out