Turkish oil wrestling is Turkey’s national sport, but it absolutely should be America’s as well.
The sport is exactly what you’d expect — a bunch of muscular shirtless men rub oil on themselves and wrestle — and it is the greatest thing on earth.
America desperately needs to adopt this sport. Here are some reasons why.
1. We have tons of oil, thanks to corn subsidies.
Thanks to government subsidies, America has an absurd amount of corn. Currently, we use it to make crappy biofuel (seriously, ethanol sucks) and diabetes-inducing sweetener. Why not use it to promote athleticism instead?
2. The combatants grease each other up, which promotes teamwork.
We live in a nation divided. How better to bridge the gap than to encourage men to massage oil into each other’s muscular skin?
3. It’s open to a range of body types.
Oil wrestling is a very body-positive sport. You can take part if you’re lean:
… or heavy and bearish:
It doesn’t matter, as long as you have muscles:
4. It doesn’t require complicated equipment.
All an oil wrestler needs is a grassy field, a sturdy pair of shorts and a lot of oil. That means the sport is accessible to everyone, regardless of socioeconomic status.
5. Apparently a winning move is to thrust your hand down your opponent’s pants.
One common way that oil wrestlers win a match is by cramming their fist down their opponent’s pants.
For real. That’s how you win.
6. Regular wrestling isn’t gay enough.
Sure, it’s pretty gay. But not as gay as this:
And if that doesn’t convince you, maybe this informative film will.
So get on it, America. Don’t let Turkey be the only country to have this incredible tradition. The time is now.