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Naked Truth: We’d All Cum Harder (And Smarter) If Sex Ed Focused On Pleasure Rather Than Fear

I found my G-spot by accident. I was eighteen years old and my high school sweetheart and I were having awesome/awkward teenager sex on his parents’ couch during teenager sex o’clock — the precious couple of hours between the end of school and the end of your parents’ work day.

If you’ve had sex with or are yourself a “G-spot ejaculator” you already know that “squirting” is hardly a dainty affair. Let’s just say the ol’ “flip the couch cushion over” trick wasn’t going to work this time.

“How did you do that?” I yelled over the drone of three blow dryers (luckily, Adam had two thick-haired sisters in his house whose curls apparently required a lot of drying). He just laughed and shook his head, muttering to himself as my pool failed to shrink under the hot air. I remember (sort of) trying to hide my triumphant smirk as I witnessed the defiance of my sex puddle. I mean, it wasn’t my mom who was coming home in ten minutes.

After this initial G-spot discovery, Adam and I tried and failed to repeat our happy accident. Though I’d like to remember Adam and I as special teenaged sex prodigies, eighteen-year-olds are by nature poor sexual communicators, generally lacking the self-awareness to ask questions and give direction in the sack. But then again, aren’t we all generally like that?

I don’t need to tell you that as a human race, our sex education is lacking. But what about our sexual pleasure education? It’s practically non-existent. If you were lucky, you were “educated” about sex in school via scare tactics about topics like STDs and pregnancy. Unless it’s related to your physical health and heterosexual baby-making, the government certainly won’t be paying your teachers to talk to you about it.

Let’s be real, most people in this world are not having sex specifically to procreate  — we want to have and give orgasms, we want to get closer to our partners, we want to feel GOOD and we want to get LAID.

But how do we learn how to do this? How do we learn to make ourselves and our partners feel sexual pleasure? Through the lube-less, hairless mainstream porn world? Word-of-mouth? Clumsy fondling in the dark? We learn about sexual pleasure in the ways we can — often by accident, often by guess-and-check, and way-too-often in ways that are terribly misinformed by Google, social mores, and sweeping generalizations about what “everyone likes.”

The next time I G-spot ejaculated you better believe it was on purpose. I had graduated with an undergraduate degree specializing in sex, sexuality, and relationships and was working at famous female-owned sex toy store Good Vibrations in San Francisco. I had purchased a book called The Good Vibrations Guide to the G-Spot by Cathy Winks and my then-girlfriend had it open on the bed next to my naked ass, one hand holding the book’s G-spot anatomy diagram and the other was, well, on my G-spot.

Between moans & groans I told her to “keep doing that,” “no not there,” “not that hard,” “wait, go back.” I was giving direction and she was listening and it wasn’t movie-sexy. But it was sexy because we were learning about sexual pleasure the only way we could – in the way that worked for us, that worked for my body specifically, and very on purpose. The G-spot orgasm hasn’t eluded me since.

There are hundreds of reasons why I’ve devoted my personal, political, and professional lives to getting you off. What they boil down to is that sex is one of life’s most accessible, affordable and awesome pleasures. Pretty much any adult can do it and it’s 100 percent customizable to suit you and your partners. All you need to do is give yourself permission and gather the tools to do it well.

Moving forward, this sex and relationship advice column will give you the tools but you’ve got the hard part – giving yourself permission. Allow yourself to feel good, feel awkward, admit a kink, laugh when you fall off the bed mid-sexcapade, explore something new, and educate yourself about you and your partners’ pleasure. And do it on purpose.

It’s no easy feat but it’s not impossible. Start with giving yourself permission to read the column and ask me your questions! From there? Well, I’d keep the blow-dryers handy if I were you.

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Yana Tallon-Hicks is Unicorn Booty’s sex and relationship advice columnist. Yana currently studies Marriage & Family Therapy in the hopes of becoming the best damn queer sex therapist in the land. She received her undergrad in sexuality studies & sex education, worked as a sex educator/sales associate at sex toy shops Good Vibrations and She Bop and has had sex on the brain ever since. She geeks out about lube, practices often to achieve perfection and just wants you to have an orgasm. Yana’s sexpertise has appeared many times in the pages of the Valley Advocate and can also be found in Curve, Bitch, Autostraddle.com, and The Toast. Find her at Facebook and on Instagram @the_vspot.