This post is also available in: Portuguese
“Eat a bag of dicks,” is an delightfully dismissive insult on par with “Why don’t you play a game of Hide and Go Fuck Yourself?” It’s brilliant as it evokes the image of a potato chip bag brimming with little flaccid penises, slightly hairy and ready for some idiot’s munching.
DicksByMail appears to be owned by fratty, anti-ObamaCare, straight guys who send dick pics to women they meet at church. Either way, here’s what you’ll get with your $15 order:
Once your order is processed an anonymous package will be sent to your target containing 2 things; A 5oz bag of delicious gummy candy penises, and a note exclaiming ‘EAT A BAG OF DICKS’. Nothing More. Nothing Less. You will remain anonymous and silently chuckle to yourself for years to come as you picture them slowly degrading into a shell of the person they once were, always questioning their lives “Who sent this to me?”, “Are there more dicks on their way?” and “Why does this keep happening to me?!”. Yes their slow decent into madness will be much tastier than the bag of candy dicks you sent to them.
It’s counterintuitive spending $15 worth of candy on someone you hate, but then again hatred is rarely rational and the phrase is “sweet revenge.” Although that $15 might be better spent shipping your enemies a spring loaded glitter bomb or resolving your anger issues with a therapist, the idea of awful ex-bosses and shitty ex-lovers opening a bag of dicks at their home or office does make us smile in an immature middle-school kind of way.
The owners of DicksByMail also have this gentle reminder for those who take their service way too seriously: “It’s not meant to be a threat or a way to bully. If you are sending this with the intent to ruin someones day, then maybe its you who needs to eat a bag of dicks.“