The Best, The Worst and The WTF?! From Last Night’s 2019 Grammys

If the 2019 Grammys had run any longer, they would have had to tap Hoda and Kathie Lee to finish hosting. At three hours and 45 minutes, the show was endless yet full of a slew of amazing female performances. Thankfully, my Super Bowl rant was heard and the divas delivered.

Alicia, Dolly, Diana, Gaga, J.Lo, Cardi, Janelle, Kacey, Brandi, Michelle Obama — the list goes on and on. The Grammys was ladies night, and the feeling was oh so right.

Here are 10 takeaways from last night’s 2019 Grammys:

1. Gaga. Jada? Alicia. Michelle. J.Lo – aka The Moment!

Michelle Obama turned the Grammys into the return of Divas Live. This almost makes up for the disaster that was the Super Bowl halftime show last week. Almost. This deserves a Vegas residency, a memoir and an EGOT. Not only is the internet broken, but all diseases have been cured, everyone has a perfect credit score and we’ve all subscribed to Jada’s Facebook Watch show. OK, you’re right. Red Table Talk is taking it too far.

2. Alicia Keys

Styling by Rhoda Morganstern. But her performance was the actual Super Bowl halftime show we needed and deserved. Now unless homophobic tweets surface, Alicia can host the Oscars, the State of the Union and game night at your Aunt Beverly’s house. Sashay you stay, Alicia Augello Cook.

3. Lady Gaga

Hair. Body. Face. The bastard love child of Sammy Jo Carrington, Dale Bozzio from Missing Persons and late-’90s Courtney Love. Three Grammy wins later, it’s Lady Gaga’s world and we’re just living in it. I know many thought the performance was extra AF, but I’m all for seeing A Rock Star Is Born. Only one week until she tops off her amazing year by losing Best Actress to Glenn Close. Ha-ah-ah-ahhaaa-ah-ah-ah, haaawaah, ha-ah-ah-aaah!

4. Ricky Martin

Exactly 20 years since his career-changing performance of The Cup of Life at the ’99 Grammys that ignited the Latin Explosion, Ricky Martin opened the show with a bilingual salsa-fied In the Heights-esque performance alongside Camila Cabello and J.Balvin that had me livin’ la vida loca. And just so you know, I absolutely have not been Googling white suits and mustache trimmers for the last 12 hours.

5. Shawn Mendes

Sorry Dua Lipa, but the real winner of Best New Artist goes to Shawn’s bare, buff, smooth, supple, loving arms!

6. Janelle Monáe

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to see Janelle Monáe slay the house down boots! The Robert Palmer girls have been leveled up. She’s got her legs exposed and her sapphic Stormtroopers in tow, so Janelle is here, she’s queer and I can get used to this!

7. Dolly Parton

Welcome to Dollywood! A stunning tribute, yet no one can do the 73-year-old justice. (Settle down, Katy Perry!) It should give us all hope that there are only two types of people in this world: Dolly Parton fans and Dolly Parton super fans. Which one are you? #MakeAmericaDollyAgain

8. Cardi B

You know it was her night when Cardi B took the stage and yelled “Welcome to the Grammys!” … over an hour after the show started. The red carpet! The performance! The speech! All of it! QUEEN. History was made as the first female solo artist to win Best Rap Album. She’s CinderFuckingRella, but her evil Step Mother is gonna be pissed because she’s never won one. Also she needs a new Prince Charming. Okurrr!

9. Drake

Getting his speech cut was not the biggest indignity he suffered last night.

10. St. Vincent & Dua Lipa

I am now a lesbian. Take me to your leader, ladies! They were giving us L-Word in Space, the club scene in Basic Instinct minus Michael Douglas in a deep V and Jennifer Tilly/Gina Gershon Bound realness. And I was here for all of it.

For Johnny’s complete list of 25 hilarious takeaways from the 2019 Grammys, head to his site here.