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I’m at this point in my life, for the first time ever, where I’m not only happy being single, I actually prefer to be single. Now, I have adamantly made this claim before, only to go home, cry into a pillow and eat an entire pint of Chunky Monkey. But when I say it this time, I actually mean it.
Guys are great, don’t get me wrong. They’re fun to look at, and even more fun to have sex with. Once in a while they’ll show up to your show with a bouquet or roses or will cook you a fancy dinner when they know you’ve been having a tough week. But let’s be real: Is there really much more to men than that? As a man myself, I can definitively say the answer is a resounding no.
Now, dogs on the other hand … there’s a lot to those little suckers. I’d go so far as saying that dogs are actually better than real human boyfriends. Here are 7 reasons why:
1. Dogs don’t cheat on you at the gym sauna with that hot fuccboi.
Let’s start with some of the more obvious differences as to why dogs are better than men. Spot doesn’t go into the gym locker room cruising for D. He doesn’t give lewd stares to other attractive men in the sauna in the hopes for some unreciprocated oral. Spot’s at home while you work, listening to NPR (or whatever station you left on the radio for him).
2. Dogs don’t lie to you.
Not only does Spot not get on his knees for ripped closeted men in the sauna, he also doesn’t lie to you after. So, if for some reason Spot did have an anonymous hookup, he wouldn’t insult you by fabricating some BS story. In fact, knowing Spot, he would probably feel very guilty and give you the same puppy face he does when he’s chewed up your favorite shoe.
3. Dogs are furry little f*ckers, making them the perfect cuddling specimens.
Dogs are always furrier than human males (excluding bears — the men, not the animals). Having fur makes dogs incredible to snuggle up against. You can also pet them forever and ever.
4. Dogs don’t judge you.
When you wake up with a hangover the third time this month, Spot isn’t there waving a paw in your face, telling you that you need to get your life together. No, Spot just needs to go pee, so you need to get your hungover ass out of bed and let him outside before he pees on the floor again. Jeremy, on the other hand, loves to remind you how you made a fool of yourself the night before, telling you, “This is what you get for being a drunken asshat.”
5. Dogs are a source of unlimited kisses.
Sometimes Jeremy has a long day at work, and when he gets home he needs some “space.” Some “alone time” to recuperate. He doesn’t want to entertain you or kiss you the moment he steps in the door. (What a jackass, am I right?) Spot, on the other hand, has been waiting for you all day, just staring out the window, wondering when (if) you were going to return. He will be happy to give you all the kisses you could ever want. You’ll get so many sloppy kisses, you’ll be begging for Spot to stop.
6. Dogs aren’t finicky with their affection.
This goes back to this supposed “alone time” I hear guys talk about. (Seriously, Jeremy, who the f*ck do you think you are?) Dogs don’t need space. They won’t ever tell you you’re like a toddler, and all the attention that you require is “draining.”
7. A dog isn’t going to leave you for another owner (or man).
Spot isn’t going to leave you for Justin because Justin’s smarter, more successful, driven, attractive, mature and “has his shit together.” Spot has loyalty. Real goddamn loyalty. (You hear that, Jeremy?) He recognizes that Justin is the stupidest name in the world, and that your friend Claire was totally right. You could do a lot better than Jeremy anyway. He probably just left you because both of their names start with a J and yours starts with a Z. Spot gets that, you know?
So there you have it. Seven completely unbiased reasons why dogs are definitively better than stupid, ugly boyfriends. With that said, you’ll have to excuse me. I’m going to bring a pint of Chunky Monkey to the dog park and sob uncontrollably while petting strangers’ pitbulls.
Featured image by anyaberkut via iStock