In Honor of National Poetry Month, Gag on These ‘Drag Race’ Haiku

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April is National Poetry Month, and, naturally, that got us thinking about Drag Race. The iconic show, now in its 12th season, has been immortalized in memes, parody videos, club bangers, conventions and branded candy bars for years now — so why isn’t there more Drag Race poetry? Drag Race haiku, even?

Admittedly, Drag Race haiku sounds like it’d be the easiest, so we put on our Valentina beret (it makes us look artsy) and wrote a series of gag-worthy haiku inspired by Mama Ru and her queens. Because if Sasha Velour taught us anything, it’s that there’s nothing wrong with mixing a little culture into your charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent!

When you’re feeling lost
Go back to Party City.
It’s where you belong.

Long night of hooking.
Trade didn’t like the session.
Bitch, I crystallized.

You’re not my real dad
And you never will be, bitch.
Vote for Lil’ Poundcake.

Kameron Michaels.
So hot in or out of drag.
Flooded my basement.

Quick, call the police!
Seems to have been a break-in.
Shangela was robbed.

Look, Sis, I’m not mad.
You’re perfect. You’re beautiful.
Did you stone those tights?

Like Roxxxy Andrews,
Can’t snatch the wig off my head
Because I always wear two.

Ya need help packing?
Only Judy can judge me.
Not today Satan.

It’s all a kiki
Until we get to Snatch Game.
I hope you packed jokes.

Always remember:
Walk into the room purse first.
Now sashay away.

When you turned around
I saw nothing but back rolls.
“Delicious,” I thought.

All together now:
Because I’m what?! Sickening.
Yes, Ma’am. Halleloo!

How’s my head, you ask?
To be completely honest,
There have been complaints.

Know your herstory
And respect where you come from.
Oh hey, Porkchop, hey.

Vanjie. Miss Vanjie.
Vanjie. Miss Vanjie. Miss…Miss…
…Vanjie. Miss Vanjie.

In honor of National Poetry Month, try your hand at some Drag Race haiku and share them in the comments.

This article was originally published on April 19, 2020. It has since been updated.