Want to Enjoy Sex More? Then Focus on Erections Less

We have a problematic obsession with railing and erections, just like in the movies! Penis-owners spend a lot of time thinking and worrying about their erections — how easy are they to get, to keep and how soon they ejaculate.

Leave your penis alone! It is not intended to perform — to get hard on demand, stay hard and not cum too soon. That’s not sex, that’s a performance, which leads to bad sex (and can create longterm physiological issues, constrictions and tensions in the genitals and pelvic floor). That much friction is desensitizing. Always going after bigger, faster, harder and more sex can lead to lost sensitivity and make you feel fully disembodied. You’ll lose the ability to find arousal in more gentle forms of sex. Focus on yourself, how sex feels and not on doing your partner.

Our self-worth is deeply tied to how sexually desirable we are to others, or our perceived “market value.” But under this male gaze, pleasure is reduced. You’re too focused on the mechanics of staying hard and cumming. Not on relaxing into how sex feels and just enjoying it. I recommend less doing, and far more being and enjoying.

Sexual dysfunctions don’t exist when you have a diverse understanding of how to give pleasure. Think fingers, tongues and toys. Most sexual dysfunctions are not due to the failure of some part of the body but failures to perform sex in a way that is deemed socially acceptable or desirable. Most issues are due to unrealistic expectations and misunderstandings about how a penis operates.

You don’t need an erection pill; you need better sex education and more penis-esteem. It is not just biological hydraulics, as dispensers of Viagra want us to believe.

Your penis isn’t a dildo, and should never be expected to act like one.

Erections are as varied as penis shapes and sizes. Each individual will operate differently sexually, with variations and issues to be expected. We will all have problems with our sexuality at points in our lives. This is healthy, not a disorder.

Is the sex actually hot? Are you attracted to your partner? Is monogamy sucking your sexual soul? Need more diversity? Need to be single? Are you bored? Are you asking for what you want? Don’t bypass the real issue — your penis is talking to you.

Individuals should see difficulties in functioning not as problems but as a challenge to expand their understanding of how to be sexual, including experimenting with kinks, positions and toys they have never tried.

Pleasure is the only part of sex that counts!